Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Conflict

I hate how much conflict has existed between Steve and myself.
It just seems that we can't agree on much these days.
I don't know how to get over the hurdle.

I view disagreements very differently than he.
The way I see it is that we are different, just plain different.
I see life through a different lens than he does.
When a topic comes up, Steve expresses his thoughts and opinions and I express mine.
Yep, they are different.
I'm ok with it.
He is not.
For Steve, our differences = fighting.
Because he doesn't want to fight, he responds in one of 2 ways.
He either withdraws to avoid a fight, or he simply does the opposite of what I have expressed.
It's super hard for me because he simply disregards my ideas and suggestions.

It's been like this for much of our married life.
Lately, it's been really bothering me.
We've had a lot of conflict in the last 6 months.
Much of it results in great frustration and sadness for me.
I often wonder if we'll ever work through it.
The hardest part for me is the negative impact it's having on the kids.
It's hard enough dealing with my own emotions in this mess, but watching the kids react is doubly hard.

I wish I knew what to do.
It seems that all my efforts fall flat.
The longer we're married, the more distant we seem to become, and the more alone and isolated I feel.  It breaks my heart.
My mom says I've lost my joy.
She's probably right.
Not only do I not have friends, but my closest companion is becoming more distant by the day.
Being alone is miserable.
I don't know who to talk to.
I don't know where to go.

I have no doubt that I contribute to the conflict.
I have no doubt that I bring much frustration to Steve.
I feel like a failure and a disappointment.
It's just a horrible feeling.  I don't know how to fix it.

Unshaken.
How do I remain unshaken in this circumstance?
I know my Father loves me.
I know I am perfect in His eyes.
He rejoices over me with singing.

In the spiritual world, I am priceless.
In the material world, I feel disposable.
In the spiritual world, there's nothing I can do that will separate me from my Father's love.
In the material world, there's nothing I can do to earn Steve's love.
In the spiritual world, my Father has sacrificed everything to be in relationship with me.
In the material world, my husband grows tired of being in relationship with me.

The tension between these two worlds is sometimes too much.
I don't know how to live in both worlds and be at peace, while holding onto joy.

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