I often believe the myth
"If I set boundaries, I'm being selfish."
Selfishness is more of a fixation on my own wishes and desires.
Although wishes and desires aren't bad in and of themselves,
but I have to keep them in line with healthily goals and responsibilities.
Because of my history,
I fear that setting and keeping limits might push someone away or cause them to dislike me.
Abuse victims are usually threatened by their abuser.
I was told NEVER to tell anyone what was happening.
I was threatened.
My boundaries had been violated and I had no power to enforce them.
When Steve and I have a conflict, I don't always handle it well.
Well, let's just say, I'm like a volcano.
I stew over something, often times sub-consciously.
Then, after enough things upset me, I erupt.
I'm a ball of fire, burning up everything in my path.
It's not pretty.
Then, I'll set a boundary by drawing a thick line and posting a sign that says,
"Don't you dare cross."
Unfortunately, because I later feel guilt for over-reacting,
I then think I should withdraw this "boundary" I set.
It's a vicious cycle in which I find myself.
I feel overwhelmed because I can't make it stop.
I get so mad at myself.
This week, I'm dealing with the fall-out from one of my volcanic eruptions.
Steve and I do need to work on how we relate to each other
... especially when we're stressed
... or when we've allowed offenses to build up.
Forgiveness is most certainly something I need to work on!
Sometimes I think, "If I could REALLY internalize how much I have been forgiven ..."
then I could forgive as I have been forgiven.
I keep trying.
Sometimes, trying is the best I can do.